10 Most Stressful Life Events - And How to Manage

By Bert Brown

During our lifetimes we will inevitably face change. Change is hard. The most stressful life events are all about major change – some abruptly while others are planned.

When we have trouble managing the inescapable stress, our bodies can be physically and mentally affected.

In 1967 psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe examined how stress contributes to illness*. In their research they surveyed more than 5,000 medical patients and asked them about their life experiences the previous 2 years.

Each of these experiences (called a Life Change Unit – LCU) was given a different “weight” for stress. The more experiences the patient added up, the higher the score. The larger the weight of each of the experience and the higher the score, the more likely the patient was to become ill.

Here’s what they found (include the assigned weighting) for the top 10 most stressful life events:

Death of spouse (100)
Divorce (73)
Marital Separation from mate (65)
Detention in jail or other institution (63)
Death of a close family member (63)
Major personal injury or illness (53)
Marriage (50)
Being fired at work (47)
Marital reconciliation with mate (45)
Retirement from work (45)

What they ended up with is commonly known as the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale or the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS). This is a 43 question assessment you can take to determine your current stress levels and your likelihood of becoming ill.

If you are interested in measuring your stress levels, you can take the assessment here.

Notes on the Top 10

It is important to note that one, this research was developed based on medical patients’ experiences. The people surveyed were already ill and Holmes and Rahe (H&R) were trying to link stress and with their illness.

Subsequent research was conducted to validate the stress scale as a predictor of illness. A positive correlation of 0.118 was found which was in fact sufficient enough to support the original hypothesis of a link between stressful life events.

Two, when you look at the weightings, the number one stressful life event gets 100 while the number ten life event on the list receives a 45. That’s a pretty big difference (55) between one and ten.

Although we’re only looking at the top ten here, the difference between life event number eleven and life event number forty-three is 33. (Again, check out the whole assessment here.)

The point being, this list of just the top ten can have an impact on the H&R risk level score of becoming ill in the near future.

(But please do keep in mind that there are plenty of other factors as well that can affect someone’s probability of getting sick.)

What Can You Do

Knowing these life events, what can you do about this? (Other than simply live in a cave and not experience all that life has to offer.)

Of the events in the top 10, there are 6 events that are somewhat controllable. You can’t control death or personal injury or illness. And there are certainly times when getting fired at work is not controllable.

Controllable does not mean there won’t be any stress. These life events are highly stressful for all. But controllable does mean that you are choosing to do something. You are making the choice to get married. You are making the decision to separate or get a divorce. There are decisions involved and planning that has to happen.

Here are a few ways to help manage the stress in these somewhat controllable life events:

Planning life events

Try as much as possible to ensure that stressful life events are scheduled so they are spaced out. It’s hard enough getting married, but when there are other stressful events such as moving to a new city, buying a house, and starting a new job on top of that; it just increases the stress levels.
Greater awareness of communication

Because of the heightened level of stress, people say things they might normally not say or may withdraw and reduce communication. If you know that you are one of those people who withdraw when really stressed out, it’s important to remember that there are others in your family going through the same thing and they would welcome your communication and company.

During these times, because emotional levels are so high, it can be helpful to be more objective and factual based in your communication. Perhaps written communication may be better as not to misconstrue the meaning and provide more thought into the message.

And avoid using other people to deliver your message. It’s just not fair to use children, family members, or even friends to deliver a message during these most stressful life events.
Anticipate adjustment time

It does take time to adjust to the new circumstances. Know that it will take time to get through the various emotional stages. Don’t be hard on yourself because you think you “should” be over it by some prescribed date. At the same time, believe that it will get better over time.

Life happens. And it is not controllable or without certainty. Here are a few ways to think about the inevitable stress after the death of a loved one:

Know that everyone handles loss differently

There are a number of variables that make it debatable on the best way to help people after the loss of a loved one. While there are many forms of support available, some work for some people and don’t help for others. The length of time for the grieving period varies as well. Knowing that just because something isn’t working for you doesn’t mean there are no other methods that will be more helpful.
Awareness of the stages of grief

One of the better known models for understanding the grief process was developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book titled On Death and Dying. She outlined five stages of the grief cycle. Other experts added two more stages (Shock or disbelief and guilt) to arrive at the following seven stages of grief:

– Shock or disbelief
– Denial
– Anger
– Bargaining
– Guilt
– Depression
– Acceptance

Just being aware of what stage you are in can be helpful. By being able to describe your feelings you can create more clarity in your emotions. Dr. Kubler-Ross also believed that all these stages do not necessarily have to occur. They can take place in a different order. And a stage can reoccur many times as part of an individual’s specific grief process.

Some people try journaling as a way to work through the process. One resource is The Center for Journal Therapy. They have tips such as limiting the time to journal, writing about your future self, and writing about your feelings to help track the process.

One More Thought

One final thought on these most stressful life events – if you can revisit or maintain a practice of living with mindfulness, energy, and vitality, your mind and body may be easier to heal.

*Holmes, T.H. and Rahe, R.H., “The Social Readjustment Rating Scale”, Journal of Psychosomatic Research, Volume 11, Issue 2, August 1967, Pages 213-218, available online here.